4/20/19

I think I am giving up…again. I thought I would be more committed. I thought by going back to what worked in the past would work now. That does not seem to be true.

I’m not sure where I go from here. I need to do something different. Weight Watchers and programs like that have never worked for long. I am pretty stuck.

Maybe I need to forgive myself and be mindful of myself and my emotions. I have been very consistent with writing in my daily line-a-day diary and in my joy journal. Maybe that is how I can find a new way.

Making one tiny change at a time might be better than changing everything all at once.

Can I commit to eating one vegetable a day? Like one carrot, or a pea? I think I can do that. At least I’ll give it a try!

4/16/19

I have been wallowing in self-pity lately, blaming my bad eating and lack of joy on all my obligations and work stresses. Maybe I am more to blame for my own attitude. I am the one choosing to see the dark side of things instead of the light. I am the one thinking food will give me what I can’t seem to find in myself, although I don’t really try to look. This black cloud seems to hover over me, but I am the one who refuses to see that there is blue sky beyond it. It just seems easier to cower in the darkness than to see the light.

But I am tired of cowering, tired of whining. I am ready to let go of the fear and let the clouds part. I don’t see joy, not because it isn’t there, but because I am blinded by my doubts. And if I fail, if I am not perfect, that only allows for new growth. It is the mistakes that create new opportunities. It is the imperfections that make us beautiful. It is the unknown that can bring endless wonder.

That all sounds so good. I will probably need to practice!! 🙂

4/13/19

There comes a time when our bodies just wear out. For some it is sooner than others. It seems to come on slowly, but then all of a sudden, there you are with stiff joints and fading eyesight.

You go to do the things you’ve always done, like lift a case of water into a grocery cart, or skip up a flight of stairs, or even walk around the yard to pick up the debris left by the winds and the winter melt, only to find that your muscles object to every step and strain. Your knees cry out, your back spasms. And your mind puzzles, how could this happen to me?  I was young and spry just last week, or was it last month, or was it 10 years ago?

So we end up living on Advil and CBD oils, holding the restaurant menu at arm’s length and wondering why we just walked into the room.

And we realize that aging is not for young. They don’t have the strength or the endurance or the courage. It takes a lifetime to develop those things that we’ll need later, when our bodies finally wear out.

4/12/19

There is a saying when someone just picks at their food, that they “eat like a bird”. That is an interesting saying, because, have you ever seen birds eat? They may take just one seed or bit of suet at a time, but they eat constantly and can quickly devour a 50 lb bag of feed! (Well, some is usually shared with the squirrels!)

From that definition, I eat like a pterodactyl, taking big bites, and eating constantly! I know people with pets that have to limit the intake of their food to maybe 2 cups a day. It would be nice if someone could do that for me, or if I could let someone do that for me! It is so much harder to do that for myself.

So, I guess, eating like a bird is not all it’s cut out to be. I need to eat more like a fat cat on a diet!

4/11/19

I think I can understand people with addictions. Every time they come down off their high, be it drugs or shopping or eating or whatever, they swear that they will stop this destructive behavior. But even as they say this, they seek out their next “hit”.

I do something similar. Every morning it’s, “today I will avoid sugar”, and every night it is “crap, tomorrow I will start again and avoid sugar”. Even as I am stuffing more jelly beans in my mouth, a part of me is crying with the shame of it.

Seems like eating the right things shouldn’t be that hard, but for me it is. I can’t “just stop” eating the bad things, and I imagine drugs users can’t either.  Maybe it’s in the basic wiring the way some people could care less about something that someone else is obsessed with. Makes us human, I guess.

So, it’s not a matter of just deciding to stop. I think it has to be worked on, with a plan, and support, with little successes to offset the failures. It’s one step at a time, with forgiveness and love. And, really, isn’t that how we get through everything in life?

4/10/19

That Easter candy has got to go!!! Sure, I only take a couple malted milk balls, jelly beans and marshmallow eggs each time I go by, but pretty soon it adds up!! (The question of why I bought it in the first place is answered in the blog on 4/4!)

Anyway, I’ve been introspective, wondering why it even matters. Healthy people get sick and get knee replacements, too. I know I need to do my part to prevent the things I can affect, but my brain, my will and my body just aren’t on the same page right now. I really need to get it together, before it really IS too late.